Last night in the mail I received an offer for a UWO Alumni Mastercard with a promotional 1.9% transfer balance interest rate offer. The offer is only good for a year, so when I asked Graham if he thought it might be worthwhile for me to take advantage of it, his response was that he didn’t think so. And then I started to cry.
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time at home alone, unless you count the cat, and while Farley is pretty decent company, most of the time when I talk to him he just stares back at me with a look of annoyance at having been woken up from his fifth nap of the day.
In the last six months I’ve gone from a full-time permanent job at a large publishing company, to arena boot camp middle management, to self-employed freelance editor/real estate student. I’ve spent so many years defining who I am by what I do for a living that this “grey area” I’ve arrived at these past few months has left me feeling a bit…empty somehow. It’s been an emotional time for me, and I think that’s really difficult for Graham to understand, though not for lack of trying. I tried to explain to him after I escaped to the bathroom for a private cry, that I’ve had a hard time concentrating on anything, have a very short attention span lately and trying hard not to get depressed. This time of year it’s particularly difficult, since so much of the joy I get out of life takes place outdoors among the greenery of our yard.
He asked me why I didn’t try to make myself a schedule to follow so I get some things done every day, including making time for myself and getting out of the house regularly. While this is a really good idea, it’s hard for someone who’s never suffered from depression to understand that it’s a brutal catch-22: you want desperately to accomplish something but at the same time just can’t bring yourself to roll up your sleeves and tackle the tasks that seem more overwhelming to you than to other people. He tries very hard to understand what I’m going through, and gives great cuddles and hugs to comfort me, telling me he loves me all the time. I see light at the end of this short tunnel, so I know I’m not very far gone. I do think it would be a good idea for me to set myself up some sort of routine, complete with rewards for accomplishing certain small goals throughout the day. So I’m going to try that first.
Hang in there, girlfriend! You’ve got the right attitude, and a great man, family and friends (among whom I hope you count me ~well, in the family & friends categories!) to help get you through it.