A videotastic look at Assertagirl’s girlhood crushes.

Wow. Huh. So, um, everybody pretty much behaved themselves this week. This means I have very little in the way of WTF madness to share with you. I know, I know, shhhh, it’ll be okay. Don’t cry, now.

Thankfully motherbumper provided this crush meme and I’m fairly certain that when you’re finished reading about my Top 5 girlhood crushes, you’ll be asking yourself WTF, indeed.

Ready? Here we go.

5. Almanzo Wilder. You can laugh now. Go ahead, get it out of your system. I don’t know what it was, really…the blue eyes, the blond hair, perhaps…his ability to herd cattle. My eleven-year-old self sure did enjoy those episodes of Little House that Almanzo appeared in…a little too much, perhaps. (My girlhood crush on Almanzo is no stranger than this tribute video I found on YouTube. Kudos to you if you get through all 4:05 of it. Good lord, he’s still got it.)

4. Tom Cruise, before he went all Scientologist bat-shit crazy. I think most girls liked him. I remember liking Top Gun a whole lot, but when Rain Man came out, forget about it. And Cocktail? SWOON.

(Oh yeah, Tommy, hump that couch.)

3. Patrick Swayze. There’s this scene? In Dirty Dancing? When Johnny is about to walk away and Baby is all, “Johnny…!” and Johnny turns around all slow and smiles all cute at Baby? Yeah, that was my state of mind throughout that film. I guess it was all that pelvic thrusting. I was only allowed to watch it (the first time) with my Dad, I guess so he could fast forward any sex or nudity.

2. David Lee Roth. While I was never really a fan of any “hair metal” bands, I always liked him. When he was hot. He’s the only guy with long hair I ever really found attractive. I know this video is totally derogatory but I always kind of thought it was funny. True, the women are being objectified, but they have non-anorexic looking (although slim) bodies, and now that I’ve seen it again, man, Eddie was really the hottie, wasn’t he?

1. Jordan Knight. Yup, I was that age when the New Kids on the Block were all the rage. And by “rage” I mean pre-teen “insanity” and by “insanity” I mean I had 76 posters of them on my wall. Jordan was my favourite. My face would get all hot when he did that weird dance move in the NKOTB video I had. Again with the pelvic thrusting. My mom got me tickets to see them in concert, but by the time the concert came along I had lost interest, grew out of my obsession, if you will, so I didn’t go. Once in awhile these days I hear a New Kids song on the Sirius and I just let it play. I reminisce. “Please don’t go giiirrrrrrlllll….you would ruin my whole world….Tell me you’ll staaaaayyyyyy….never ever go away.” They just don’t write lyrics like that anymore, do they?

Well, this post has been quite the trip down memory lane! And I only needed two glasses of wine to put it together.

Have a great weekend, everyone.