1990—I walk slowly down the concrete ramp to the area where the grade seven and grade eight students are supposed to wait for the bell to ring. My heart beats rapidly in my chest, as it does most mornings on my way to school. My knapsack is slung over one shoulder, the way the other kids wear theirs. I know that when I get to school, they’ll be there, those girls I want so desperately to be like, the girls I want so badly to like and accept me. I’m wearing a tan pair of pants rolled up at the cuff, a navy blue t-shirt and my shoulder-length hair is held back by a blue patterned bandana that is rolled into a long tie.
“Hi,” I say cautiously as I join the circle of girls who manage to look so much more confident than I’m afraid I’ll ever feel.
“Hi,” a few of them say, awkwardly. I wish I could sink through the pavement.
“What’s that on your nose?” Shannon asks, pointedly.
My heart beats even harder. How should I deal with this? Should I lie? Should I pretend I don’t know what she’s talking about? Should I run away to find a mirror? I know…I’ll make a joke, make them think I don’t care so it’ll blow over and then things will be fine.
“Oh, it’s zit cream,” I say, laughing nervously.
Awkward stares are all I get in return.
1992—My skin has been breaking out again and my mom has taken me to the doctor. I’ve been putting a cream on my face that contains 20% benzoyl peroxide. My mom fills the prescription for me. The stuff works really well, but the side effect is that my skin turns a little red, looking like a sun burn.
It’s the first day back to school after the March Break, and the hum of conversation in the hallway has a specific tone to it as my fellow students talk about the fun they had over the holidays. I close my locker door and head into the classroom. A fellow student turns to me and asks, “Did you go to Florida for the break?”
“No,” I say, the happiness that my skin isn’t covered in acne replaced with a new layer of self-consciousness over its new pink hue.
1999—I’m working on a cruise ship and one of the few perks is that the spa needs people to demonstrate their services with, while guests tour the facility. I volunteer and am chosen for a facial. I close my eyes while the esthetician works on my skin, first cleansing, then “extracting” impurities. I keep my eyes closed while strangers file in and out of the room to observe. It’s just nice to be pampered, even if there are occasional interruptions. The woman who performs the facial gives me some free samples to take back to my cabin with me. I know my skin looks a little irritated. When I return to my cabin I tell my roommate about the facial, recommending she sign up for these free spa treatments.
“I think your face looks worse,” she says bluntly in her Croatian accent.
2003—I’ve finally had enough of these break-outs which, as I’ve entered adulthood, have turned from the occasional few pimples to what can only be described as painful cysts on my face. Looking in the mirror is difficult. Avoiding cameras has become a habit. Applying makeup leaves me feeling sad and disappointed and wondering if I’ll be alone forever. Nothing helps.
I get a referral to a dermatologist, who recommends Accutane. I hesitate, expressing my nervousness about the drug to her. I’ve turned it down once before, not believing that my acne was bad enough for such a drastic course of treatment, opting instead for antibiotics or topical ointments.
“Well, your acne is quite severe,” she says. I blink twice. Severe? I’ve never heard the appearance of my skin described in such harsh terms. It’s the wake-up call I need, and I agree to the prescription, which comes with a second prescription for birth control pills. Accutane is known to cause birth defects, and patients have to sign a form telling their doctor they will not get pregnant while they take the drug. I have to get my blood tested before the prescription is renewed to ensure there is no chance of pregnancy.
I’m not seeing anyone, so it’s no problem.
Accutane works WONDERS. The only side effect is that the inside of my nose feels very dry. My lips are also dry, but Blistex fixes that. I wonder why I didn’t take this drug sooner. I could have saved myself the scars on my face.
2008—“My skin is breaking out again,” I say to Graham. “I guess taking the pill was really helping to control things.”
“Doesn’t that get better when you’re an adult?” he asks.
“Not for everyone,” I reply.
“Does it help to wash your face more?” he asks.
He means well. It’s not a new idea or suggestion…lots of people assume that acne is caused by not washing your face enough.
“No, honey, I wash my face twice a day, and I’ve been trying not to wear makeup a whole lot.”
“I still love you,” he tells me.
Having acne sucks. It’s not just an adolescent thing. Your face is the first thing that people look at and their first impression of who you are is shaped by the appearance of that face.
Is it too much to ask to outgrow this, once and for all?
I wish! I’m 46 and still have the zit problem! Good new though-no dry skin so wrinkles don’t appear so quickly
Oh, how I feel your pain. Just turned 28 and still fighting it. And yes, the birth control helps, but that comes with it’s own side effects for me. Many hugs and kind thoughts sent your way …
LadyCiani’s last blog post..Birthday fun!
One of my best friends has the same kind of cystic acne which has scarred her entire back. She won’t go swimming without a t-shirt on. This doesn’t seem bad here, but we were living in Thailand at the time where swimming can be a daily, 365 day a year event. I felt for you reading your story just as I felt for her those years in Thailand.
mandy’s last blog post..At Least It Kept Them Amused
I still break out on my chin.
Which is just one more reason why I wear the goatee.
Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..A Dads-only Dinner Party
I break out more as an adult than I ever did as a teenager, and I am getting crows feet. WTF?!
Oy.
You are gorgeous, babe…and you know what works for me? (like you need another suggestion) proactiv.
flutter’s last blog post..Therapy Notes: Worthless
Yeah, my mom has been trying to prepare me for years – acne AND wrinkles at age 40.
FUN.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..31
Same deal here: 35, and now I have both acne and wrinkles (although, to be honest, probably fewer wrinkles than I’d have if my skin were drier). Stress is a major trigger.
Hey, at least you’re not alone.
Oh Amy. I could have wrote that post myself. My heart hurts.
I know just how painful it is. I too took Accutane for almost two years. I tried everything else prior to that and wished I just skipped it all and went straight to the hard stuff. The redness, peeling… none of it worth it.
Those pills cured the major acne and I haven’t taken it in over 10 years. I only get small ones once and a while now which are totally managable… but each one takes me back to that time.
(I may have to
borrowsteal this post idea!)sam {temptingmama}’s last blog post..The Dirty Darkness of Parenting
Oh Amy! I took Accutane too, in …. um … 1993 and again in 1996. I had the same side effects, but it was like a miracle: no more cysts on my face, in my ears, on my back, down my chest. It was pretty awful and I was self-conscious and miserable for years. Clear skin was like, honestly, a miracle to me.
I know Accutane is harsh and it’s a serious drug, but I wish (with the severity of my acne) that I had had it prescribed to me before I was already 20.
I hear you, sister. I think you’re beautiful.
mimi’s last blog post..Parenting, it’s all about proud moments
I think when I hit 25 I started to get worse acne than I ever had as a teenager. It’s very frustrating, so I completely empathize with you.
Jill – GlossyVeneer’s last blog post..Bouchon Bakery
I know this doesn’t really help but I love you just the way you are (though I have never noticed because that isn’t the first thing I notice about people – but that in itself is a post). I feel like I’m inserting a foot in mouth but I kinda understand in a different way. Anyhow, SB has the same condition and used a topical (cannot remember name) instead of accutane but there are days he wishes he had gone that route. I think you are beautiful baby.
motherbumper’s last blog post..wordless wednesday: linky edition
If it’s any consolation, all I remember about meeting you in person is that you are a pretty girl who talked to me and made me feel comfortable at a rather awkward (for me) blogging event….I don’t recall seeing any acne….but I can’t imagine how hard this all is.
Kathy’s last blog post..New shoes for CW
it isn’t fair. we should be allowed to leave our adolescence behind!!
I never remember you having bad skin Amy…weird. I always had really nice skin…until I had my boys, as soon as they were born my skin exploded and now it is awful. I feel your pain. Coverup is my friend. Good post!
Kolleen Brunton’s last blog post..I’m Not Dead
I’m a bit younger than you, but I hate the breakouts. I still get them and still hate them, mine aren’t terrible, but they are enough to bother me.
(also, probably lending to the whole “I get carded everywhere.” thing)
Kyla’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: The Chair
Birth control helped me too but it also turned my forehead brown (it’s called “maternity mask” and I got it from being on the pill too long aparently). I still get zits on my chin and nose and forehead occasionally (I’m 32) but I have two friends who get really bad acne still and nothing has helped them so far and I just feel so bad for them, especially when guys point it out. Also, my husband had that terrible cyst acne all over his back as a teenager and is really scarred and will never go without a shirt.
melanie’s last blog post..I need a vacation?
38 years and counting. Also never thought I was severe enough for drugs. Super embarrassing because my breakouts come monthly and clear completely in between – Jekyl & Hyde. Thank you for sharing. I still feel ugly, but no longer alone.
ML’s last blog post..Technofon
Amy, what a touching post. It sucks that we still break out as adults. Even at 39, I have good days and bad.
Ainse’s last blog post..Congrats, Canada!
Granted I’m only 24, but I still breakout on my chin once a month like clockwork. It’s so frustrating to me. All through being a teenager I longed for the days of my adulthood when I wouldn’t have to worry about acne. I don’t think those days are coming.
I hear you on the face washing thing too. I wash my face compulsively. It’s not that! I’m getting a facial tomorrow so I’m curious to see what they say.
SparklieSunShine’s last blog post..Then There Was The Time I Ran Out Of Gas
That first memory – oh, did that resonate.
I’m sorry you still struggle with breakouts. What you said about impressions and appearances – it’s true, and it’s unfair.
Be assured that when we saw each other at BlogHer, all I saw was a beautiful woman!
mothergoosemouse’s last blog post..Whose rules apply to whom? – the first grade classroom version
Honestly, I didn’t have any until I thought I was out of the woods – at about 17 or 18, it started. Crap. It comes and goes, but I can tell it’s hormonally related for me, because it SO goes in cycles. With my cycle.
If it helps, I’ve never noticed any on you, though, you just look nice and lovely and fresh-scrubbed!
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