I recently spent a few weeks participating on a rather well-known pregnancy message board. Then one day I read a post a woman had written about how, at 22 weeks she had found out that her baby had a very rare genetic condition which meant that her baby would either be stillborn or would probably not survive longer than a couple of days. I think she used the phrase, “This totally sucks.” Now there’s an understatement. Her post was followed by a lot of messages from fellow board members who wrote things like, “You will be in my prayers,” “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” and various other canned messages of condolence. After I read that message I began to worry that there would be something wrong with our baby. Then I realized how irrational a thought that was, closed my laptop and walked away from the message board for good.
Although I enjoyed some of the discussion threads about silly things like food cravings and bizarre dreams, I found that the overall tone of the site was a lot more negative than I had originally hoped. There seemed to be a lot of unwritten rules that I had to follow, and I felt as though I was constantly censoring myself in this rather conservative community of pregnant woman. It was clear that this wasn’t the case for everyone there…some very close friendships had developed between some of the women. In general though, if members didn’t conform to the accepted set of practices, they were ostracized by the existing members of the forum. I found this to be very ironic, since presumably everyone came to the board for a sense of community and support. I know a lot of women get a lot of positivity from sites like the one I tried out. It just wasn’t for me. I get a lot more out of my day-to-day experience with my blog friends, women I know from the internet who are already moms, who have shown more care and support to one another and to me, than I believe I could ever find in a somewhat anonymous forum. Cheers to you, ladies.
So if you’re pregnant, and considering joining one of the many pregnancy-related communities that are out there on the web, you might want to consider the following before stepping in.
1. Don’t discuss your weight. You should neither complain about gaining too much weight or, conversely, voice any concerns over not yet having gained enough weight. It just “bums out everyone” else on the forum.
2. Flaming is to be expected, and in many cases, is even encouraged.
3. It’s cool to talk about your cervical mucus. (I personally could have lived my whole life quite happily having never been acquainted with the phrase, “snail trail.”)
4. It’s okay to talk about food. A lot. Daily threads about what’s being eaten for lunch are to be expected.
5. There are an alarming number of acronyms to learn, including DH, DD, DS, AW, AE, NBR, PSA, just to name a few. Don’t ask anyone what these stand for, though. You’ll have to figure them out for yourself.
6. It’s cool to admit you drink coffee, pop, enjoy an occasional sip/glass of wine and/or beer, sit in a hot tub, go four-wheeling, eat deli meats and all other manner of activities considered generally inadvisable for pregnant women.
7. Don’t ask a question that’s already been asked by some other pregnant woman at some point in time in the history of the site. See number two, above.
8. Expect to see a lot of web “bling” at the bottom of every post within a thread. Bring your glasses.
(On that note, Eden and Alice have launched their new site, “Let’s Panic about Babies!“ It couldn’t have come at a better time.)
OMG the bling. I had forgotten about that!! LMAO.
I’ve been there, was there for more than 2 years. Two years of complaining, whining, crying, oh, and the hierarchy of suffering. Yes. I know all about that.
It’s a WHOLE different world, isn’t it. One I never care to repeat.
Amen to that! As I have already told you before, I feel the same way. Especially during my first trimest I had to go on hiatus because it was just too upsetting to me and it was freaking me out too much. I go on there now out of boredom at work…it gets rather old sometimes. I do like going on the first tri board and helping newly pregnant women when they are nervous or scared.
Cheers back to you sister! And YES OMG I could have warned you about message boards…crrrrazy!
ROFL @ your bling….too funny!
I so much enjoy reading your blog because, since we are due at basically the same time, you are going through all the same things I am! Most of the time I am thinking that I should just steal your posts and put them on my blog.
I, too, have stopped going to the pregnancy forums. They either freak me out or annoy me. I would rather not have anymore to make me worry and think “what if…” than I already do.
I ‘liked’ how they would brag about having a beer but get pissed at you for eating peanut butter. “Don’t u know what pnut butter can do 2 your baybee!?” (I know you’re and your, but…)
i have never in my life witnesses such a mass of cliquey bitches than a pregnancy message board circa 2004. having said that, i am still in close contact with about a dozen mamas that i met on that board who all left it as well. for those who have never belonged to one, think high school cafeteria meets new kid with the bad haircut.
I always thought the whole reference to spouses as dear sweet loving man bs was enough to give anyone morning sickness. Truly a battlefield.
I feel your pain! The acronyms, the poooooor grammar, the sometimes even worse judgment, all the pics of winnie the poo nurseries and you’ve gained how much?? Way too much. When one woman lost her twins and another had a late m/c I was out.
This first time mom-to-be does NOT need the extra worries. (I’m almost 20 weeks!)
I don’t know how I found your blog but I enjoy reading!
Ah crap, I can’t figure out all those acronyms. I’m so glad I didn’t do that while pregnant, it sounds like it would have caused a lot of anxiety. It sounds like a whole other world in that corner of the internet (and that bling is painful, is it safe for your baby?
Aw, hugs to you, Amy! I never got into those boards … like you, I totally preferred my mommy blog peeps, um, who I only found postpartum, but STILL. And what’s with the flaming? I never really got that. Me, personally, I saved most of my wild emotional volatility for my husband
The first time I was pregnant, I couldn’t stay away from those dumb boards. It was my addiction. This time, however, I haven’t even wanted to check one out. They were always like watching a carwreck, much like reality tv. I don’t know if it’s related, but I am MUCH more relaxed with this pregnancy!
I, too, joined and left a couple of these so-called communities rather quickly when I was pregnant.
I’ve heard of how people have met wonderful people and become life long friends, but mostly, I felt the same as you. Personally, I’ve met more people via twitter and blogs that I would like to remain in contact with!
There sure is a negative overtone, for people who aren’t having complications. It’s probably a great source of support for people who have serious problems, though.
To each their own, I guess.
Hahaha! Oh, this post made me LAUGH!
I was a part of one of those boards, but not until the VERY end of my pregnancy with KayTar and her subsequent birth. It got less crazy after births, but then there was a resurgence of crazy around 6 months postpartum. Hormones in action, I’ll tell ya!
I hated message boards. And the bling … oy. My eyes!
You’re going to be so great. I can’t wait to follow your journey on this crazy, fabulous, scary, wonderful road.
OMFG. I laughed so hard. THE BLING. The flaming! The obnoxious weird groupthink behavior! It’s a study waiting to be had!
Dude, please stay away from new mommy boards as well. After participating on one for one (1) week (yes, ONE). I was banned. BANNED. My posts were too inflammatory! I argued! I suggested that maybe someone should use common sense on something! COMMON SENSE.
You know me relatively well after all this time … am I an inflammatory person? I really don’t think so. But to message board peeps I AM AN ARGUMENTATIVE BEAST.
Heya! I’m 20 weeks pregnant and ran across you as a fellow due-in-November Twitterer, and like you prefer blogs to boards when it comes to talking about pregnancy. I’m blogging my pregnancy anonymously to strangers and securely on LJ to friends, and have a bit of an odd focus because this is my second child but my first was born in 1992. Been struggling with the whole “Mommyblogger” thing: my son sat me down when he was 9 and told me, in stern but loving tones that made me wonder who the parent was, that he couldn’t continue to call me “Mommy,” and from that point forward I would be (and remain) Mom.
But what’s really funny about it is that I’m a typical second-timer, despite the gap, in that I’m pretty fearless about the whole thing and I’ve been considering writing a guide of “Things Not to Say to the Pregnant Lady,” and topping the list will be “Don’t ask her how she’s feeling, especially if she knows a lot of people who are probably asking her that question. After the 300th time in a week, she is apt to answer, ‘Murderous.’”
And so on.
@helenmosher
At one point, my dh (ha ha ha) forbade me to visit those sites because I was coming to him with every single thing that could possibly go wrong. For the first trimester, it seemed like every other mama-to-be was dropping out due to m/c. From then on, it was complications with the baby/babies, pre-eclampsia, swelling, itching, cramping, bleeding… omg. I did eventually cut back drastically. Sorry I’ll never be pg again, but NOT sorry to be done with all of that!!!
*snort* I was a part of a pregnancy-related message board for several years…god, the blinkies. I could never understand the fucking blinkies.
The Bling at the bottom (WITH ACRONYMS) just brought back SO. MANY. MEMORIES.
You’ll never know how grateful I am for this.
Seriously.
Oh and wait till you have the baby. My baby is 9 months now and I can’t read anything about baby terminal illnesses and death. It freaks me out.
I know this might sound horrible but I unsubscribed from a lot of blogs that talk about that because it’s just ….scary.
@Helen Mosher OMG when people asked me how are you feeling or ” how’s the baby doing in there” I wanted to swat them with my pregnant belly. SHUT UP ALREADY. That was my only pet peeve.