A few days ago as Graham and I were leaving the Home Depot for what HAS to be the nine millionth time thus far in 2009, the woman monitoring the self check-out aisle near the door said to me with a smile, “Congratulations and good luck!” I had never seen her before in my life, but I’m starting to get used to strangers saying things like that to me, now that my belly has grown much more obvious. The thing enters a room well in advance of the rest of my body these days. And apparently the baby has another three or four pounds to put on. Anyway, I think I’ve become just as good at responding to these kind strangers’ comments about the baby, by answering them with a simple, graceful, “Thank you” and a smile.
This encounter, however, was not over.
“My advice to you?” she went on after I had thanked her.
“Yes?” I asked politely.
“Just sign the form that gets you the drugs.”
She must have seen the look on my face.
“You don’t have to take them! Just sign the forms in case you decide to.”
“Keep my options open,” I continued the thought for her.
“That’s all I’m saying,” she laughed.
And that was that.
How was she to know that last week the topic of drugs in the process of labour and delivery was the one thing that I had been thinking so carefully about? The woman pinpointed my biggest concern and laid it all out there in the span of about twenty seconds.
This week at our prenatal class, the topic of pain medication was brought up. The teacher, who has been really awesome, by the way, and who has experienced both a hospital birth with epidural and a drug-free home birth, went down the list of options, from going med-free to narcotics, laughing gas and epidural. The problem I had that night was that none of these options seemed very appealing to me. It was like being hungry, going up to the buffet to check out the food and finding nothing there to eat.
I felt frustrated. I felt scared. I felt overwhelmed by all of the information.
I’m not opposed to epidural. I don’t have a problem with needles, even one that goes into my spine. I think this might have something to do with the fact that in high school I did a co-op placement in the OR at our hospital, and one of the procedures I witnessed was an epidural. But I’m not keen on the idea of being injected with a narcotic or inhaling a substance. At least with an epidural I’d still be alert and fully aware of my surroundings, which is the most important thing to me, other than, of course, giving birth to a healthy son.
Up until lately I’ve tried very hard to just keep my attitude light, keep my options open, as that Home Depot employee urged me, and to take my labour one step at a time. And I lost sight of that attitude for a few days. I think I’ve found it again, though. Like my step-mom (who has worked in the NICU as a nurse in the hospital where I will be giving birth) said to me in a thoughtful e-mail,
You will be taken care of by a group of caring professionals that really know their stuff. They will not give you medication that will hurt the baby. …You’ve never done this before so it’s understandable that you have some apprehension. I guess I would advise to take what you hear with a grain of salt. I have found that people tend to embellish their stories for some reason. Anyhow, you will do what you feel is necessary and probably go with the flow.
I thought I’d be good at filtering out the horror stories and unsolicited advice, but it turns out I haven’t been, so reading her message helped a lot.
Nine weeks to go!
I'm feeling nervous about all the options, too. And why is it, on a semi-related note, that people LOVE to tell pregnant women horror stories about birth? If someone is going in for gallbladder surgery, everyone trots out the story of their great aunt Mimi, who had the surgery and was out running a marathon the next weekend because everything will be JUST FINE, YOU'LL SEE.
With pregnancy, it's like they delight in telling us how awful it's going to be, or what went wrong when they did it. Why can't we get a little "it'll be just fine!" every now and then?
**HUGS**
I agree. The best advice anyone ever gave me was keep an open mind! I was SURE I would want to be in the tub during labor and specifically chose a hospital because they had jacuzzis! I was in the water for all of 15 minutes at home and never set foot in another tub. I had NO desire to get in the water despite my plans. You never know how you will react to the experience so going with the flow is a must. And to the people who say there is a right/wrong way to labor, tell em to stuff it!
My advice: Listen to your step-mom and do what YOU think is right.
Yeah, listen to your step-mom's advice and remember that you birth experience will be an individual experience, not a hodgepodge of other people's births. I didn't get an epidural with either of mine, but that was MY choice, as the needle was a deterrent for me. LOL. It was right for MY births, but not necessarily right for yours and that is OKAY. Much of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenthood is this way…sometimes there is no single right way to go about something, but there usually is a right way for YOUR family.
It's true! When I had my gallbladder attack everyone was really kind and supportive. It's not that they aren't being "unsupportive" about delivery, it's just…different. Giving birth is seen as a right of passage. There's a lot of martyrdom out there, too, I find.
Andrea, I keep thinking that I'm going to want the shower in labour, so I guess I'll have to see if that's how I actually do feel when the time comes. Our hospital doesn't have tubs at all so that's not even an option for us. at least not once we leave the house.
That is some advice that I'm happy to follow!
Maybe I'll be able to go epidural-free, maybe not. You're right, whatever we end up doing will be okay because it will have been our experience, and what was right for us!
Go with the flow sounds about right to me. I did it pain-relief free (though not of my choosing) and whilst I would much preferred to have had all the drugs in the world, it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would have been (of course that's not to say it didn't hurt like hell). Your body will be a good indicator of what you need and as that stranger said, just sign the forms – then you've got all your options open to you.
Had an epidural with my first because after 12 hours of active labor I was done. And the epidural was magic and sparkly and I loved it. With my second my labor went too quickly to even consider drugs and it was intense and wonderful in a different way. Major pros and cons to doing it both ways from my perspective (which if you want to talk about definitely email me) but you are getting GREAT advice. Keep your mind and your options open. You will make the right decision when the time comes.
GETTING SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!
I had big plans to go drug-free – but, like all big plans, nothing worked out as planned. My decision to try for drug-free was because I'm really sensitive – even getting local freezing done at the dentist office seems to take forever to go away on me (like, 24 hours sometimes). My desire was to "be there" for my baby right after it was born. However, a couple weeks before I was due we realized the baby was breech and I had to have a c-section. Even though I was adamently against having a c-section before that time – once I knew that was the only way she was coming I just went with the flow. Really, what else can you do? My doctor too told me to keep an open mind about labour when we first discovered I was pregnant and so that was what I did. The important thing in the end is a healthy baby – no matter how they get here. For me the recovery was rougher than other friends who had to have c-sections but we also expected that and if I had to do it all over again I would – again and again – because my daughter is awesome.
You will do what is right for you and be so busy with the baby afterwards nothing else will matter. There really is no right or wrong.
I wish I knew what my pain tolerance is really like! Well, maybe that's not a good thing to wish for. I think it's the unexpectedness that's the most bothersome for me (I tend to be a bit of a control freak at times). So yes, I'll be signing the forms and deciding at the right time!
Thanks, Alana! It interests me how even one woman can have such different birth experiences, too. I'll let you know if I have any questions!
Thanks so much for sharing your experience, melanie! It's just the anticipation that is so agonizing, don't you think?
I'm feeling like I'll want to be in the shower, too, so it would be kind of funny if both of us got there and were like, "NO WATER, NOT ANY!"
I think I just always knew I would go for the "good stuff", I was however scared of the needle and the possible side effects. I had a really great nurse who reminded me that "you don't get extra points or a cape for doing this without meds". Looking back at it now I'm glad I had the epidural because I was very calm through 95% of the whole process. I wish I had been more alert in the hours right after birth but I had a c-section so the pain meds from that just made me really sleepy. (I had also been awake for nearing 24 hours). I can't say that I completely understand those who choose to go completely natural but you have to make the decision that is best for you.
It's funny, Jen, because before I got pregnant I was 100% for getting the epidural. As soon as possible. It wasn't until I actually *got* here that I started to have second thoughts about it!
Y'all, I wanted a WATER BIRTH. And when I got in the tub? I FLIPPED OUT. FLIPPED. I hated the tub. Hated the hot water. HAAAATED IT. OMFG. HATED IT.
I was disappointed, sort of. But also? It didn't matter, because I tried it and I HATED IT.
I had big plans to go drug-free, too. And then I had Pitocin, because my water broke, but I didn't go into labor and too much time had passed, and BAH. Pitocin. And I sat there, laboring through with the Pit for HOURS and HOURS and pretty much wanting to die, but not for the reasons you'd expect — the pain was irritating, but that wasn't what bugged me. With Pit, I had to be monitored, which meant that I had to have the (wireless, waterproof) things on my belly the whole time I was contracting. WELL. Every time I contracted, they would move away from the baby's heartbeat, which meant a nurse had to be TOUCHING ME every time I contracted.
Aaaand, the rest of that comment is here:
Now listen, I'm all for unique birthing snowflakes, but I think one universal thing we can all agree on is that when CONTRACTING in PAIN, you don't want a stranger all up in your shit, TOUCHING YOUR BELLY. You know, WHERE IT HURTS.
Ergo, I grew tired of trying to do all my breathing coping mechanisms with this woman all up in my grill, and got the epidural. And I shot from five cm to ten in less than an hour — turns out, the epi made me relax enough to be able to move forward. And yes, it was scary and upsetting and not what I wanted, but you know what? I could still feel stuff. I felt my legs, and could move them. And my birth was SO MAGICAL. For real.
The only advice I'll give you is what the stranger told you, and I know that sounds strange, but there is a reason that isn't assvice-y. DO sign the paperwork up front — NOT because you're then guaranteed to have it, it's just that sometimes the decision to have an epidural happens rather suddenly, and the last thing you want to do is sit there and listen to the schpiel and sign the paperwork while contracting. And usually, you're pretty far gone by the time it comes up. I'm imagining that's why she told you — not because she was all PRO DRUGS! But because if you want to have a more in-depth, honest conversation with the anesthesiologist, it's better to do it earlier, rather than later. All signing the paperwork means is that if you DO make the decision later to have one, they can order it up for you, stat, without having to wait.
My super-hippie, anti-drug midwife offered that advice, even, so I took it to heart, and I'm glad I did. I was able to have a lengthy, reasonable conversation with the guy without feeling desperate and in pain, and was able to make a more balanced decision later. Again, it's not to guarantee or suggest that you have an epi — not at all. It's so that you can be more prepared to have the birth you want every step of the way.
Ladies, if I may offer an explanation that I realized while I was pregnant and listening to my frillionth horror story ever:
Pregnant women are the ONLY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD that people can share their gruesome birth stories with. Yes, it's wildly inappropriate, and yes, it's disconcerting, but I think people are Just! So! Excited! that they have an opportunity to talk about their fourth-degree anal tear to someone who (in their mind) is willing to listen. Because it ain't exactly dinner convo in mixed company, you know?
But! For the benefit of both of you, I will tell you that yes, my birth had pain involved — they all do — and yes, not everything went as planned. But? It was still the most magical, wonderful, incredible moment of my life, and of Adam's life. And yours will be, too. You will love it.
My two experiences with childbirth were very different.
With my first daughter, I ended up having an emergency c-section (had an epidural before the c-section was decided upon).
My second was a planned VBAC. No drugs. It was exactly what I wanted.
All I want to say is that I totally support any decision a woman makes regarding her own birth. After choosing to have no drugs with my second child, I have absolutely zero regrets. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I have friends who went the drug route, too. As well — no regrets.
I think it's important to remain open to the options that are available, while still having a plan for yourself in mind. Just be open to changing the plan if that's what the circumstances call for.
Honestly, the most important thing in the end is that you end up with a healthy, happy baby and a healthy happy mom. There are many different routes to achieving this. None is any better or any worse…they simply are.
6 weeks ago I gave birth to Rebecca in my own home, drug free. That being said, I was always open to going to the hospital and using pain killers if I thought they would have helped, which is a part of why things went so well.
My advice is to have a variety of coping tools ready. Even if you get the epidural, you'll still be in labour and there a many things you can do to make sure things go smoothly. Research different labouring positions, bring a hot water bottle, use the shower or tub, eat, rest, drink a ton of water, remember all the women who gave birth leading up to you, bring an object to focus on like flowers or a print of your favourite painting, have a mantra, and try not to go to the hospital too early.
if you have any questions about the natural route, please just drop me a line.
Most importantly, keep walking away from the horror stories. Our culture seems to be encouraging these exaggerated tales and women almost seemed ashamed to admit that their labours went well. Labour and delivery are perfectly natural events and not only do women make it through, many chose to do it again
I think someone needs to make a maternity t-shirt that says, "No, I don't want to hear your birth story."
But I do love that you shared such a wonderful moment for you, Adam and Sam. I often think of that beautiful, teary photo of you when you first saw her.
Why did you end up labouring for so long with the pitocin and no pain meds? Was that your choosing? Just trying to stick it out?
There are different kinds of epidural, right? I've heard of a "walking epidural" and I wonder if that's possible in our hospital? I'm seeing the OB for the firs time this week (I've been seeing my family doctor up until now) and I'm looking foward to asking her about this stuff!
Yes! While I do have some preferences, having an open mind sounds like the best way to approach the whole thing. At the end of the day, we'll have a baby boy to take home and love and I'm focusing on that miraculous fact.
Laura, this is why I'm so glad we've been taking prenatal classes! We've learned a lot about positions for labour, relaxation, breathing, all that stuff, so I feel pretty well equipped already.
Laura, this is why I'm so glad we've been taking prenatal classes! We've learned a lot about positions for labour, relaxation, breathing, all that stuff, so I feel pretty well equipped already.
Been there FOUR TIMES in the last 15 years!
I agree with keeping options open and not being too disappointed no matter WHAT happens. No birth is predictable and no birth plan can or should attempt to predict everything.
My only advice is that IF you decide it is important to you to try to avoid medication as long as possible – which has proven benefits for you and the baby, such as a lower c-section rate – it is probably better to avoid going to the hospital for as long as you can hold out.
This is true for psychological as well as physiological reasons which I won't go into right now. Labours tend to go faster and smoother if you stay at home as long as possible.
Definitely make the choices you will feel most comfortable with, but keeping in mind that your own home is where your body and mind feel most safe will help you steer the course.
Good luck!!! You're doing an amazing thing!
It was my choosing, yes. I thought I could make it, as I was (irrationally) afraid of the epidural. I went almost all day — an hour after having the epidural, she was born. I didn't even get to ENJOY IT. BAH.
you know, I don't know that women intend to tell "horror stories" about their births. I think women are just really starved to tell their birth stories, share their experiences good and bad, give advice on something they've done and feel proud of. Birth is not neat, easy, and painless. It's messy, hard, and it hurts. maybe the apprehension that a first time pregnant mom feels about labor is what makes the stories sound like "horror stories?" I actually love hear birth stories. All kinds, good and bad. Birth is such a powerful part of the human experience. These stories move me.
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9 weeks! Wow!
I don't have kids, so I don't really have anything to add, other than that I think it's really important to made decisions you feel comfortable with. I've had friends that have had births involving drugs and friends that have gone without. The ones who have had the drugs tend to feel judged by other people a lot of times – that's just crap. Everyone is different and everyone has different needs and comfort levels. I think birth is one of those situations where no one has the right to judge.