Last night Graham and I had a conversation about how we could get some more rest for me. So I could “in better spirits.” (I tried really hard not to take it the wrong way when he put it like that. I knew what he meant.)
The solution to the problem seems to be that I need to keep a bottle of breast milk pumped so that Graham can give Nate a bottle when I need some extra rest. And by “extra” I mean more than the 4 to 5 hours of broken sleep I’ve been getting each night since Nate came home from the hospital. I also need to try to sleep when Nate sleeps more often, which has proven to be much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I get the feeling that I haven’t been letting Graham do as much with the baby as he could, and that is totally my problem. It’s not that he is unwilling or unable. He had to tell me last night that when he offered to go upstairs and get Nate from his crib, it would be okay if I actually took him up on that offer.
When did I start thinking that I have to do this all myself? (Is this the way mothers instinctively think?) Especially when there is a loving and capable person right here, who has, all along, agreed to experience and participate in this parenthood gig from the getgo?
Co-ordinating taking care of Nathan is, so far, one of the trickiest parts of having him here in our family. I really don’t want to be a “martyr mom”, and when I have the chance to do something nice for myself, alone, I need to take advantage of that chance, even if that something nice is grabbing an hour of sleep or running out to the grocery store by myself, cranking the tunes in the car the whole way there.
What’s really hard is having to put my physical needs ahead of spending time with Graham in the evening. But if it means that I’ll be a little better rested, and the time we DO spend together is better quality, then I’m grateful that he’s willing to make the sacrifice for now.
The babymoon is over…I’m back at Aiming Low today, where I’ve written about how very awesome a husband and father Graham really is, and how I totally owe him.
Singing my tune. I felt like I had to do it ALLL alone when Sam was first born, and I spent time with Adam in the evenings to my detriment, sleep-wise.
This painful period of exhaustion will NOT last forever, and yes, Graham can help dig you out of it by feeding Nate. Let him, and know that you'll be spending your evenings together sooner than you think. I promise.
Thinking of you. It's HARD. I know exactly what you're saying.
Aha! This sounds just like me and Pynchon and Miss Baby, circa 2006. It was so HARD for me to let him do stuff — I felt WRACKED with guilt. It was crazy. You risk setting up a bad pattern like that for sure, where mom is the expert and dad is not a full player. I know it's never what you want and yet … there it is! I totally get this.
Sleep: I found it hard to sleep when Munchkin napped. It was like I needed awake-alone time more than I needed to be unconscious. Do you get that? Like you just want to sit in your living room, alone, with a cup of coffee, writing thank you notes like a grownup?
Hugs to all three of you. It's a very intense time. Intense. It gets easier.
You and your family are TOTALLY in my thoughts. I would imagine that this is the hardest transition. You're lucky to have Graham around and wanting to help…. you guys are 100% going to make this adjustment and be so much better for it.
It's one of the things nobody mentions, isn't it? You'll have to choose between sleeping and being with your spouse. So not fair. I know we'll get there!
What is it with women and mothers and guilt?! I'd rather be sitting quietly doing something productive (or, let's face it: just watching television) than sleeping sometimes when Nate's down. Silly but that's the way it is.
Thanks, Habbala! I do feel like this is all making us a stronger family unit.
My friends and I figured out, when our kids were babies, that four hours of UNbroken sleep was required in order to feel "human". Four solid hours is way better than 6 broken ones; it must have something to do with completing a REM cycle or something, I dunno.
In any case, hang in there. Accept help when it's offered, and try to get small snippets of time for yourself whenever possible.
It will get easier!
Don't beat yourself up too much, 6 weeks postpartum is still well within the learning curve, even if it is after the "babymoon." Speaking for myself, it felt kind of unnatural to be separated from my baby for any length of time for several months after she was born, I suppose because we had been "so close" for nine months!
It is really important to practice handing off the baby to other loving, competent caregivers so that you can take care of yourself, but it's totally okay to take it in small steps and pat yourself on the back for doing it "good enough for today," and try for a little more tomorrow. But like Momma Sunshine says, do make getting those 4-5 hours of UN-interrupted sleep a priority. If you can do that, the rest may just "fall into place."
You are learning so quickly, my young Padawan learner.
Some cultures have a period of rest for the mother called "lying in", which allowed the mother to recuperate and get to know her baby, and develop routines. Generally in our society the mother doesn't get that at all – what she gets is normal life with the baby added on top. That makes people think that they are supposed to be super mums, and it's just not realistic.
You're really lucky to have him – and you should definitely let him do more. You need rest, and he needs to develop a bond with the baby.
Plus these difficult times soon pass. Focus on the next milestone – 6 weeks is a milestone, then 3 months, etc. Each time you hit one, you'll look back and realise that the time did go quickly, even though it NEVER feels like it at the time.
You're doing great!
I remember feeling "I can do it better and faster so I may as well just do it so that Cody doesn't have to bumble and I don't have to hear her cry any longer than needed."
I mean, Cody did do a swell job. But I just did it so much better. And it was my job. He had school. I was the mom. Why pass off my job?
Five years later? I can totally pass the torch without guilt.
Kisses honey. We're all here for you and you're never ever alone.
I know just how you feel about, however foolishly, thinking you have to do it all on your own. I have to keep reminding myself "it's his baby, too" otherwise I'd never remember to share. I suppose it's because Baby is all ours (mom's) for the first 9 months, it's hard to give it up. I'll have to remind myself twice as hard once Baby finally gets here.
Yes, it IS instinctive. Moms tend to carry the load, not because of societal roles, but because it just comes naturally. That doesn't mean it is RIGHT, though. You need rest and breaks and fun…all of that! It will take a bit of conscious effort at first to let Graham step in, but so so sooooo worth it. One thing to remember is that he won't always do things the same way you do…but it doesn't mean his way is "wrong". We all have our own ways of taking care of the little people.
Such a contrast from our culture, where women are expected to be ready to go back to work after mere WEEKS at home with their babies!
I heard Nate crying the other night while I was in our bedroom and he was downstairs with Graham. It was SO HARD not to go down there to see what was going on! I had to physically keep myself from opening the door and checking things out. But I trust Graham, he's a good dad and he did just great on his own.
Thanks for being there, Casey!
haha, you're right, it is his baby, too.
And I'm sure he notices that I don't do things the way he would. So we're even.
Well so far we've achieved thee hours of unbroken sleep. We're getting closer and closer to the humanizing four hours!
Right. You can't take care of anybody else if you don't take care of yourself!
Thanks, Angie. When I think back to those first nights here at home with him, I can see how much we've really learned and how far we've come!
It is still really hard not to hover while he's got her, no matter how many times I tell myself he's totally competent, but I think it got easier to hand my daughter to my husband when I discovered how much cuter she is when I've had some actual sleep.