I’ve come to the conclusion that motherhood and sleep are incompatible.
I have one friend who has a new baby almost exactly the same age as Nate, and this friend’s baby has been sleeping through the night pretty much since he came home from the hospital. She kids around and says he’s just lazy, but I know she’s just trying to make me feel better about Nate’s sleeping patterns.
I have another friend who had a new baby about a month ago, and this friend also has two other kids who began to sleep through the night around twelve or fourteen weeks.
I keep hearing people tell me, “It’ll get better,” or “He’ll get there soon,” or “You should nap when he does.”
All of these sentences kind of make me want to scream. I know it will get better. He won’t be a ten year old who wakes up every three hours to nurse. I know he’ll get there. All babies eventually figure out the mysteries of sleep and the nights of interrupted slumber become a distant memory for moms and dads.
But in the middle of the night, when I’ve had the longest stretch of sleep I’ll get that night (three measley hours) and Nathan won’t go back to sleep because his tummy is troubling him or whatever else is preventing him from falling back to sleep…when it’s been days, weeks, months now, since I’ve had any real quality rest, when the tears begin to fall and I begin to envision walking away from the house just to find a bed somewhere dark and quiet…that’s when I know it’s time to ask for help.
Like I did last night.
Desperation began to set in so I put Nate back into his crib. I went back into our bedroom and woke up Graham. I told him I needed help. I was beginning to lose it a little. I was exhausted. Without a word he left our room to tend to our son so I could get some rest, shutting the door behind him.
I felt awful. Guilty. Sorry. Like I had that one night in the hospital when our nurse took Nate, screaming, from our room so a sleep-deprived new mom could cry herself to sleep.
Thanks, Graham. I know it’s hard for you, too, when neither Nate nor I are sleeping well. Thanks for being on our team.
Don't be sorry to ask for help. You did the right thing. Being a mom is really tough – never forget that. I'll pray that you get some quality sleep soon. And it's true – this phase doesn't last forever (coming from someone who has lived through it and am currently in it as well).
You did the right thing. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of Nate. A big high-five to Graham for being an awesome Dad! You two make a great team.
Hugs, hugs, hugs. Good for you asking for help…I know how hard that can be!
Remember that parenting is a partnership. It took two of you to create Nate and takes two of you to care for him. There's no shame in asking for Graham's help. You're a team and that's what teamwork's about.
Remember that parenting is a partnership. It took two of you to create Nate and takes two of you to care for him. There's no shame in asking for Graham's help. You're a team and that's what teamwork's about.
Don't be sorry to ask for help. You did the right thing. Being a mom is really tough – never forget that. I'll pray that you get some quality sleep soon. And it's true – this phase doesn't last forever (coming from someone who has lived through it and am currently in it as well).
Don't be sorry to ask for help. You did the right thing. Being a mom is really tough – never forget that. I'll pray that you get some quality sleep soon. And it's true – this phase doesn't last forever (coming from someone who has lived through it and am currently in it as well).
You're right, Vic. Sometimes I feel like it's better if one of us is rested because then he can spell me off during the day. I need to get more focussed on catching up on my rest during the day, too.
You're right, Vic. Sometimes I feel like it's better if one of us is rested because then he can spell me off during the day. I need to get more focussed on catching up on my rest during the day, too.
Sometimes I feel like a big suck admitting that it's tough. But you're right, Emily, it IS hard. Thanks.
Sometimes I feel like a big suck admitting that it's tough. But you're right, Emily, it IS hard. Thanks.
And that is why there are two of you. I know it's hard to wake Graham when he's the one getting up and going to work in the morning, but you are a team.
And I found the "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing to be a load of horse puckey.
It'll get better. I promise.
And that is why there are two of you. I know it's hard to wake Graham when he's the one getting up and going to work in the morning, but you are a team.
And I found the "sleep when the baby sleeps" thing to be a load of horse puckey.
It'll get better. I promise.
Even though our kids are 5 and 7, we STILL deal with night-waking, and we alternate who gets up every time. We've done this since they were babies and it is soooo helpful for both of us. Of course, if KayTar is sick during the week, she sleeps with me and I take the night shift so he can sleep for work…but the majority of it is a shared effort.
anyone who tells you being a mother is an easy job obvioulsy hasn't been one or isn't one! but it is so incrediby wonderful!!
we feel the need to be superwoman when the fact of the matter is we are only human! from being there (3 times now) i've learned to "let" hubby in more and take some of the pressure off – otherwise insanity sets in! don't every feel guilty for asking for help!
too – nate is in his 3mos growth spurt too so he may be looking for more calories to help him grow big and strong!
you're going to be great ame!
anyone who tells you being a mother is an easy job obvioulsy hasn't been one or isn't one! but it is so incrediby wonderful!!
we feel the need to be superwoman when the fact of the matter is we are only human! from being there (3 times now) i've learned to "let" hubby in more and take some of the pressure off – otherwise insanity sets in! don't every feel guilty for asking for help!
too – nate is in his 3mos growth spurt too so he may be looking for more calories to help him grow big and strong!
you're going to be great ame!
Do you really want to hear another comment from a third-timer? well here it is, it gets easier at 4 months. Repeat to yourself over and over: I will sleep again, the baby will sleep eventually. keep repeating until you believe it (2 years or so…)
And you might want to set up a schedule: hubby takes the baby at 5am everyday so you can get 2 hours uninterrupted or at least takes baby at some point on Wednesdays and Sundays or some kind of thing. I found it a lot easier knowing that I was guaranteed some sleep at some point during the week…
self-promo line (sorry!): i did a post: Sleep is the currency of new parenthood. http://www.embracethechaos.ca/2010/01/the-currenc...
Okay, so I am going to offer some advice (assvice). You can, of course, disregard at will. From where it comes: My daughter is a few days younger then your son. She is my third baby. My first 2 were boys, and my 2nd boy woke up to eat every 2-3 hours for 10 (TEN) months.
By the way – asking your husband to help is fine. The baby is his too. Yes, he may have to go to work, but you have to function too. Don't feel guilty. You'll have enough time when your boy is older for that! (ha ha)
Swaddle. Don't listen to those who tell you that 3 months is too young. It is not. My first son was swaddled until he was over 5 months. And use a miracle blanket (google it). It truly is a miracle.
Have you considered cosleeping? Believe me, that was the ONLY thing that got me through with my second boy. He'd wake, I'd turn, offer him the breast, he'd eat, we'd go back to sleep. (with that – learn to nurse laying down. It's a lifesaver). Don't worry about burping or diaper changing unless absolutely necessary. He won't suffer if there's a bit of extra urine in his diaper. (with poo – all bets are off. change immediately!!!) As for the detractors of cosleeping, I tell you from experience, they WILL get out of your bed. Often before you want them too. Believe me, more people cosleep then will admit. And it's nobody's business if you do, so don't discuss it if you choose to.
As for the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice – it is good. Almost impossible to follow with multiple children, and I wish I'd done it more with my first. But, of course, there's just so much to do!!
That being said, do less. Hire a cleaning lady, plan your meals ahead of time, cook and freeze.
And give yourself a break. You're new at this. So is your son – he doesn't know how to sleep, and by giving him what he needs, you are not spoiling him, just loving him.
If you feel like talking with someone who has been there (and, in a way, IS there), send me an email.
Okay, so I am going to offer some advice (assvice). You can, of course, disregard at will. From where it comes: My daughter is a few days younger then your son. She is my third baby. My first 2 were boys, and my 2nd boy woke up to eat every 2-3 hours for 10 (TEN) months.
By the way – asking your husband to help is fine. The baby is his too. Yes, he may have to go to work, but you have to function too. Don't feel guilty. You'll have enough time when your boy is older for that! (ha ha)
Swaddle. Don't listen to those who tell you that 3 months is too young. It is not. My first son was swaddled until he was over 5 months. And use a miracle blanket (google it). It truly is a miracle.
Have you considered cosleeping? Believe me, that was the ONLY thing that got me through with my second boy. He'd wake, I'd turn, offer him the breast, he'd eat, we'd go back to sleep. (with that – learn to nurse laying down. It's a lifesaver). Don't worry about burping or diaper changing unless absolutely necessary. He won't suffer if there's a bit of extra urine in his diaper. (with poo – all bets are off. change immediately!!!) As for the detractors of cosleeping, I tell you from experience, they WILL get out of your bed. Often before you want them too. Believe me, more people cosleep then will admit. And it's nobody's business if you do, so don't discuss it if you choose to.
As for the "sleep when the baby sleeps" advice – it is good. Almost impossible to follow with multiple children, and I wish I'd done it more with my first. But, of course, there's just so much to do!!
That being said, do less. Hire a cleaning lady, plan your meals ahead of time, cook and freeze.
And give yourself a break. You're new at this. So is your son – he doesn't know how to sleep, and by giving him what he needs, you are not spoiling him, just loving him.
If you feel like talking with someone who has been there (and, in a way, IS there), send me an email.
Oh, I've so been there. I just wish I could reach you from California to give you hugs. I still, after 2.5 years, feel the guilt of my partner getting up in the middle of the night or when Jack wakes up early, and I get the extrasleep. It's irrational, but it's there. We're partners! Of course we should split this stuff. It's really f'ing hard to be rational when you're exhausted and frustrated.
I always felt like a failure when I reached that breaking point, but the truth, that I can realize now that I'm a couple years into it, is that I wasn't – and you certainly aren't – a failure. Us mothers, we are human.
I don't have any advice, just want to comfort you and let you know that you're not alone, you're doing a fantastic job and Nate is a lucky, healthy, happy baby boy.
Oh, I've so been there. I just wish I could reach you from California to give you hugs. I still, after 2.5 years, feel the guilt of my partner getting up in the middle of the night or when Jack wakes up early, and I get the extrasleep. It's irrational, but it's there. We're partners! Of course we should split this stuff. It's really f'ing hard to be rational when you're exhausted and frustrated.
I always felt like a failure when I reached that breaking point, but the truth, that I can realize now that I'm a couple years into it, is that I wasn't – and you certainly aren't – a failure. Us mothers, we are human.
I don't have any advice, just want to comfort you and let you know that you're not alone, you're doing a fantastic job and Nate is a lucky, healthy, happy baby boy.
Even though our kids are 5 and 7, we STILL deal with night-waking, and we alternate who gets up every time. We've done this since they were babies and it is soooo helpful for both of us. Of course, if KayTar is sick during the week, she sleeps with me and I take the night shift so he can sleep for work…but the majority of it is a shared effort.
Even though our kids are 5 and 7, we STILL deal with night-waking, and we alternate who gets up every time. We've done this since they were babies and it is soooo helpful for both of us. Of course, if KayTar is sick during the week, she sleeps with me and I take the night shift so he can sleep for work…but the majority of it is a shared effort.
Do you really want to hear another comment from a third-timer? well here it is, it gets easier at 4 months. Repeat to yourself over and over: I will sleep again, the baby will sleep eventually. keep repeating until you believe it (2 years or so…)
And you might want to set up a schedule: hubby takes the baby at 5am everyday so you can get 2 hours uninterrupted or at least takes baby at some point on Wednesdays and Sundays or some kind of thing. I found it a lot easier knowing that I was guaranteed some sleep at some point during the week…
self-promo line (sorry!): i did a post: Sleep is the currency of new parenthood. http://www.embracethechaos.ca/2010/01/the-currenc...
Do you really want to hear another comment from a third-timer? well here it is, it gets easier at 4 months. Repeat to yourself over and over: I will sleep again, the baby will sleep eventually. keep repeating until you believe it (2 years or so…)
And you might want to set up a schedule: hubby takes the baby at 5am everyday so you can get 2 hours uninterrupted or at least takes baby at some point on Wednesdays and Sundays or some kind of thing. I found it a lot easier knowing that I was guaranteed some sleep at some point during the week…
self-promo line (sorry!): i did a post: Sleep is the currency of new parenthood. http://www.embracethechaos.ca/2010/01/the-currenc...
My oldest is 6. The last time I had a full night of sleep is over 6 years ago. My youngest is 19 months and, last night for instance, woke up at least 5 times. I lost count after awhile.
I completely agree with swaddling-the miracle blanket is my friend. It doesn't necessarily make the baby sleep the whole night, but I don't know what I'd do without it. My first was up every two hours (sleep for two hours, be up for an hour and a half, sleep for an hour and a half, up for an hour and a half, sleep for an hour…..). I was working full time AND my husband works the night shift! It's horrible NOT having help, so enjoy (and use) the help you have. My second had horrible reflux and didn't sleep until she went on reflux medicine.
I completely agree with swaddling-the miracle blanket is my friend. It doesn't necessarily make the baby sleep the whole night, but I don't know what I'd do without it. My first was up every two hours (sleep for two hours, be up for an hour and a half, sleep for an hour and a half, up for an hour and a half, sleep for an hour…..). I was working full time AND my husband works the night shift! It's horrible NOT having help, so enjoy (and use) the help you have. My second had horrible reflux and didn't sleep until she went on reflux medicine.
My advice is to take advice. Listen and take from what people say and make it your own.
Yes, they do sleep through the night. Mine didn't start for several months. Babies are all different.
My advice is to take advice. Listen and take from what people say and make it your own.
Yes, they do sleep through the night. Mine didn't start for several months. Babies are all different.
Oh I have been right where you are. My first son woke all the time, I was beside myself with exhaustion. Every child is so different. I am on kid 3 and they all slept different. #1 was the worse, #2 was the best and #3 is okay. He will sleep one stretch of 3-4 hours and then it is every two for the rest of the night. It is starting to wear on me since I find it hard to go back to sleep after the older boys have gone off to school. I just keep hoping he will start to sleep better soon!! PLEASE GOD!!
That's one of the hardest things to wrap your head around, huh, Angie? We all compare our kids to other kids and that just isn't the best way to go because they are all unique!
Visiting from Aiming Low. I have to comment, because those were the worst of times for me. I HATED asking Hubby for help. I know in my head that it's a reasonable thing to do, but I felt like I was supposed to be able to handle it. I will echo what Angie said and say to take what advice works for you. Me? I'm a book gal. I'm a child and family therapist by trade. so I want me some research. I recommend Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weisbluth. This book will also tell you that baby's brains regulate sleep at 4 months. So this 3 month period? SUCKS! After 4 or 4 1/2 months, their little brains
Visiting from Aiming Low. I have to comment, because those were the worst of times for me. I HATED asking Hubby for help. I know in my head that it's a reasonable thing to do, but I felt like I was supposed to be able to handle it. I will echo what Angie said and say to take what advice works for you. Me? I'm a book gal. I'm a child and family therapist by trade. so I want me some research. I recommend Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weisbluth. This book will also tell you that baby's brains regulate sleep at 4 months. So this 3 month period? SUCKS! After 4 or 4 1/2 months, their little brains
are regulating sleep and they are ready to get on a schedule. Also? How often are you nursing? I fed mine every 2 hours until he was almost 6 months old…but as my lac consultant said "the more often you feed them during the day, the longer they will go at night". All my friends who were nursing every 4 or 5 hours had babies that could not go for longer during the night. And yes, the swaddling does help, but mine would wiggle out. None of the swaddle blankets worked, but there is a little trick to making swaddles stick if you email me. And lastly, we started using a fan as white noise in his room. He still uses it. It's researched.I promise. That being said, I am just a random stranger giving you advice and hoping that is not annoying. I just remember those days….take care of you….
T
(sorry about two comments…it wouldn't let me ramble in one comment.
are regulating sleep and they are ready to get on a schedule. Also? How often are you nursing? I fed mine every 2 hours until he was almost 6 months old…but as my lac consultant said "the more often you feed them during the day, the longer they will go at night". All my friends who were nursing every 4 or 5 hours had babies that could not go for longer during the night. And yes, the swaddling does help, but mine would wiggle out. None of the swaddle blankets worked, but there is a little trick to making swaddles stick if you email me. And lastly, we started using a fan as white noise in his room. He still uses it. It's researched.I promise. That being said, I am just a random stranger giving you advice and hoping that is not annoying. I just remember those days….take care of you….
T
(sorry about two comments…it wouldn't let me ramble in one comment.
Thanks Andree! (Nice to see you're reading.)
Thanks Andree! (Nice to see you're reading.)
Thanks for your advice, Naomi. We did co-sleep in the VERY beginning when Nate was basically just a baby burrito who woke up to eat. But I sleep very poorly with him in the bed. I'd rather get one hour of solid sleep than three hours of sleeping with one eye open, you know what I mean? I do swaddle Nate, too, especially when he is fighting a nap during the day. I think it lets him know that it is time to settle and go to sleep.
Thanks for your advice, Naomi. We did co-sleep in the VERY beginning when Nate was basically just a baby burrito who woke up to eat. But I sleep very poorly with him in the bed. I'd rather get one hour of solid sleep than three hours of sleeping with one eye open, you know what I mean? I do swaddle Nate, too, especially when he is fighting a nap during the day. I think it lets him know that it is time to settle and go to sleep.
Thanks for the virtual hugs, Katie! And for reminding me that I am not a failure. It's hard sometimes not to feel like there's something I'm doing wrong or just not doing. I appreciate the comfort.
Thanks for the virtual hugs, Katie! And for reminding me that I am not a failure. It's hard sometimes not to feel like there's something I'm doing wrong or just not doing. I appreciate the comfort.
Yeah, at least you're not nursing so you guys can take turns! (Hope KayTar is feeling better!)
Yeah, at least you're not nursing so you guys can take turns! (Hope KayTar is feeling better!)
I know, what is with all of these third-timer moms here on this post!?
We do sort of have a schedule. Graham gets up with Nate at 7 or so and takes him downstairs. He has a nap down there while Graham has coffee and does his thing while I sleep in. This seems to work pretty well for us, and I get another few hours of sleep. Of course, once Graham goes to work full-time during Monday to Friday, this won't be possible. For now, I'll take it!
I know, what is with all of these third-timer moms here on this post!?
We do sort of have a schedule. Graham gets up with Nate at 7 or so and takes him downstairs. He has a nap down there while Graham has coffee and does his thing while I sleep in. This seems to work pretty well for us, and I get another few hours of sleep. Of course, once Graham goes to work full-time during Monday to Friday, this won't be possible. For now, I'll take it!
Thanks for your honesty, C, and I sure hope you get some well-deserved rest very soon.
Oh lord, Mindy. How did you do it? At least Nate goes back down after I feed him when he gets up.
That's one of the hardest things to wrap your head around, huh, Angie? We all compare our kids to other kids and that just isn't the best way to go because they are all unique!
That's one of the hardest things to wrap your head around, huh, Angie? We all compare our kids to other kids and that just isn't the best way to go because they are all unique!