I haven’t nursed Nate in five or six days. I’m not exactly sure which nursing session was our last, and I’m glad I don’t know for sure. I have a foggy idea of when it was, that four o’clock in the morning wrestling match between the two of us. If I had known it was the last time we would be doing that special cuddle together, I’d have been really sad.
When I wrote last week about how we were going to introduce some formula to Nate, I wasn’t entirely honest. Our intention was always to transition him to formula completely.
For the first few days we fed him a half and half mix of breast milk and formula, then decreased the amount of breast milk in each feeding to about a quarter.
Then one morning Graham gave Nate his bottle and when he was finished, told me, “That was all formula.” Was that a little bit sneaky? Yes. Am I glad we did it this way? Yes. Graham knew that I would be hovering over the two of them, worrying, if I had known that was the first all-formula bottle.
At first it felt unnatural to feed Nate from a bottle. I was really nervous, always tense that he wouldn’t accept it from me. Scared, even. I was scared of my own baby. Silly, I know, but that’s how I felt. I worried that I was depriving him of something. I still do, kind of, but he loves to sit with me and snuggle and cuddle before, during and after a bottle feeding, especially at night and early in the morning.
Ever since we’ve been feeding Nathan formula he’s seemed different. Happier. Rested. More content. Satisfied in ways that nursing him never seemed to provide. When we were nursing he always seemed hungry. His tummy always seemed to be bugging him. We seem to be over that hurdle now, and I feel like I’m providing for him in new and better ways, now. He gets to have more bonding time during feedings with people who love him.
I know how important breastfeeding is for babies. I still feel that it would have been what was best for Nate for his entire first year if it had been more fulfilling for him and hadn’t completely exhausted me and had me on the verge of depression (I really do believe I was headed down that dim path).
If we ever have another baby I will absolutely nurse him or her. Maybe it will be an entirely different experience, and we’ll do it longer. But I’m done beating myself up about the choice we’ve made with Nate. Because ultimately, I did it for him. For all three of us.
Sounds like you've done the right thing for you and for your family, Amy. Good. I'm glad you're all a little more settled now. Hugs.
Thanks! It does feel like we're getting settled, that's exactly the word for it.
So proud of you, mama!
Thank you for your unconditional support, Maria! (And for the Five Star Friday submission.)
every baby is different and as long as you are doing what's best for you and your baby, all is good!! so happy for you!
Thank you Andree! Hope things are going well with you guys, too!
It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to the internet like that. Good for you for being not only honest with your readers, but honest with yourself. Isn't it nice to know that your mommy-sense is working? You know what is best for you, your son and your family.
Huh, I never really thought of it that way, but I guess you're right, my mommy-sense IS working! Phew!
As a mom with a similar breastfeeding experience, huge kudos to you for a) making a decision that is best for all of you and b) opening up and being so honest about it. Happy parents, happy baby. Ultimately, that's what it's all about. I'm so glad that you guys are doing so well!
Thanks, Katie. I have always been honest here in this space about both my intentions to breastfeed and about our challenges with it. It felt right to be open about our decision to switch to formula, too.
I have to tell you… I felt like an absolute failure at breastfeeding. I lasted two miserable weeks with ds, 2 miserable months with dd, and vowed I would never try it again. (I loved formula!)
Fast-forward: eight years later, when I had dd2. I had either mellowed or forgotten my vow, and I decided to TRY. Just try; no big committment, cuz I knew I'd hate it.
WELL. Let's just say I had to force her to wean when she turned 5 recently, because it was NEVER happening any other way. And her little brother, now two and a half, is also still going strong. I nursed through pregnancy – no milk, but that didn't stop her – through ds2's birth and infancy, through surgery and a trip across the world, all with barely a hiccup. Clearly, I'm a natural.
Sorry to go on so long. I guess my point, as an experienced mama, is that every breastfeeding experience – even with the same mama – is completely different. So no-one can or should be judging yours.
And good for you for doing what's right for Nate.
Jennifer, thanks for sharing your experiences here in the comments section!
It's difficult to balance out the pros and cons of formula and breastfeeding, especially when there's such a push for mothers to breastfeed for as long as possible. But, I'm a firm believer that a happy mother makes for a happy baby, and I'm sure you've made the right decision here. You've already given Nate a great start but it's not worth jeopardising your progress by pushing on when it's not right.
Isn't it funny how times have changed? It used to be the other way around, from what I understand in talking to women a generation older than my own. And that's just how my step-mom put it, too, he's had a great start!
Good for you. We are currently weaning after 10 months, almost exactly, of breastfeeding and I have yet to be as honest as this about it.
You need to do what works for you. And if you, Nate and Graham are happier and more rested, then so be it.
How are you finding the weaning process, Nicole?
I started by only nursing her morning and evening and she seemed happy with that. Then a couple of days ago, I offered her a cup of water and solids at breakfast, a bottle a little later on before her nap, a bottle of formula at night and she hasn't asked to nurse since. I'm sure she would if I offered, but I think it's just easier to go along with her. At least on that end. I am slightly uncomfortable though.
I hear you on so many levels!!! We decided to introduce Nolan to formula when I was told I had two weeks to prepare before going into surgery. Because Matt was working, I was the only one around and Nolan WOULD NOT take the bottle or the formula and screamed non stop at me. All I did was worry and cry, because I was scared he would starve. Karen and my Granny laughed at me though and said he wouldn't, he was just confused. When I went for my surgery, he took the bottle – and formula – without complaints from them.
The last time I breast fed him was the night before my surgery. I cried, because I knew when he came home he would be strictly formula and bottles. I had tried to pump but couldn't produce enough to feed him AND save.
Nobody has a right to judge your decision, you did what was right for the three of you! xoxo
How old was Nolan when you introduced formula? What a bittersweet moment that must have been for you, the night before your surgery.
Obviously Nolan is doing great, he is totally thriving and growing and learning so fast!
This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday!
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Good for you. It's such a hard decision but just know you are not alone. I just posted about my struggles with our son and how it's now working with our daughter (http://bit.ly/dmOGJU). You just never know and every baby is different.
Take care.
Gillian
Thanks, Gillian. I read your post, too. It's good to know I am not the only mom out there who has struggled with this decision.
I utterly failed at bf V. Failed to the point the lactation consultants told me just to give it up. lol
So V was (still is due to a milk allergy) a formula kid.
I think the choice of bf or formula is an intensely personal one. There are so many pros and cons to both. But I don't think we can or should vilify someone for making a decision that is best for them and their baby.
Hugs mama.
You're right, it is a personal choice, and one that many moms are very passionate about. I'm guilty of passing judgment on others, but I won't make that mistake again. Not now that I've been through this too!
This was sent my way from PrincessJenn, I Just gave birth to my second daughter two weeks ago. I nursed my first daughter for the longest five months of my life, we thought she had reflux and it turns out she has an anaphylactic allergy to dairy. I made her sick for months without knowing it.
This time around nursing has come "easily" with an oversupply of milk and a bout of mastitis – I hate it just as much and I dread the feedings. I started pumping and using a bottle for most feedings but I find it has done nothing for the hormonal part of nursing. I know what would be best is to give it up and switch, but that is what is best for me. My other daughter has thrived on formula and yet I can't get past my own fear of judgement – a judgement I have largely passed on myself. When did nursing become the new motherhood guilt trip? or has it always been this way and I am just late to the party?
Congratulations on your new baby girl! I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough go of things! I'm convinced that new moms are harder on themselves than anyone else ever could be. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job as a mom to your new little daughter. xo
I'm really glad you are taking care of yourself too, Amy. Us mommies are just as important. Remind me to tell you the crazy lengths I went to to give Maddie breast milk. CRA. ZY.
xoxo
This is fantastic Amy! So glad you are feeling better about it.
Every baby, every mom, and every experience is different. And you have to know your baby and your body. it's clear that this was the right decision for you and for Nate. You are awesome, Amy.
Trusting your own instincts is half the battle of parenthood. Sounds like you are off to a great start! If you ate happier and he is happier, then it was definitely the right decision for you guys. Bravo, Mama.
whatever you did, you did right.
We've had some discussions about this but let me just say again that I'm SO happy that you've taken your emotional health into consideration.
Good for you. Its such an emotional decision when you have set your sights on breastfeeding for as long as possible. But you have given him the best start in life already, don't forget that. I've been following your blog for a while now. Nate was due the same week as my daughter Zoe. She came early so she's a bit older. We also had many issues with breastfeeding which was hard for me to accept. We will have our last breastfeed this week and it is sad but its for the best.
whatever is best for YOU and YOUR BABY is the BEST thing to do!! i wish more moms would be courageous enough to do what's best for them as an individual/family instead of listening to the "experts".
You know what is right for you. I can just imagine how hard of a decision this was to make. I know because I had to make it twice. I half nursed nursed, half bottle fed my first son for 3 months. I nursed my 2nd son for 2 months and gave up for very similar reasons to yours. With your next child it may work better, it may not, but try not to beat yourself up about it. Your child will love you no matter what!
It has to be so hard! One of my friends noticed a HUGE change in her son's comfort/happiness/ability to sleep when she started introducing formula, which is such a wonderful thing, but I know that it was hard for her because she got so much "input" from other people. Every kid (and their digestive systems) is different. Good for you for doing what you all needed to do.