On Sunday afternoon I gave my mom a call. She is still living in Alberta, so I try to call her when Nate is in a playful mood so that she can hear his expanding vocabulary. For the last week or so he has been making a new noise…it sounds sort of like “coo” but with more gurgling thrown in for good measure. If he discovered that his voice can be loud last month, it seems like he’s discovered that it can be soft, too. The little “aghoooos” and “cooooos” are soft, almost like a whisper. It’s pretty cute.

While I was talking to my mom and telling her about Nate’s newest developments, he started sticking his feet up in the air before rolling onto his side. He’d teeter there, almost making it all the way over onto his tummy. I narrated what he was doing over the phone while my mom encouraged her grandson from halfway across the country.

After the fourth or fifth try I could see that Nate was making progress. He was going to do it! I held my breath.

“There he goes….HE JUST DID IT!” I told my mom.

“Good boy!” she nearly shouted. She was so excited that she was on the phone for one of his firsts.

Even though she isn’t always here in person, I was really happy that she got to experience a milestone along with us.

Motherhood is so bittersweet.

I want Nate to grow up so badly, but I also want him to stay exactly the way he is forever.

I want him to go to bed upstairs in his crib so I can have some time to myself in the evening, before eleven o’clock at night, but at the same time I like that he’s just over there, in his swing, snoozing away near us.

I love that I can nourish him with my body but breastfeeding is so emotionally and physically draining that every day, at least once a day, I want to throw in the towel and just feed him formula.

There are so many extra little chores that need to be done every day…stock up the diapers, tidy up the toys, fold and put away the extra load of laundry. All of these things are tiring, but I enjoy doing them just the same.

I love how our lives have been forever changed by the addition of this little person to our family, and yet sometimes I yearn for the simplicity of the past.

And then the guilt comes.

A lactation consultant told me on the phone yesterday that “motherhood is the loneliest job on the planet” and while I understand why she said that, because we all feel that way at some point or another, hearing her say it just made me glad that I have so many friends and family members who support what I’m doing here (really, what Graham and I are doing here). And that’s what makes it possible to just pick up, get on with it, try again tomorrow.

Wow. 2009 is nearly over. Hours from now it will be 2010. That sounds so much more WAY into the future than 2009 did, doesn’t it? I mean, entire MOVIES have been made about the year 2010.

This is the time of year that the commercials on television shift in focus to weight loss and cessation of smoking aids, exercise equipment and other self-help products. (As if we need an hourly reminder of our vices.) We’re supposed to use this time of year to take stock of our faults and to make promises to ourselves about how we’re going to change over the coming year, when really, very few people are capable of real CHANGE.

I’ve written before about new year’s resolutions, saying back in 2007, “If you aren’t willing to work on changing or improving yourself the whole year round, what’s the point of making list of unachievable, unrealistic statements about how you’re going to change that year, especially if no one is making you accountable for reaching or not reaching those goals?”

I still feel that way. So I’m not going to write a list of things I want to change about myself. Instead, today I’m going to write a list of things I LIKE about myself.

I’ve become a mom! And I’m not too shabby at being Nate’s mother, either. I think it’s okay to say that. Just like it’s okay to admit that being a mother is damn hard work, I’m a firm believer that it’s okay to admit that it’s a job I do well. Even if it’s still only my second month on the job.

I’m proud of the team that Graham and I are now that we are parents. Sure, there are times when I see Graham doing something with Nate that I wouldn’t do, or that I would do differently, but it’s not my place to tell him how to be a father. The two of them need to find their own way together and they are running ahead in that department. Leaping ahead, in fact. I can’t wait to see how their relationship grows as Nate gets older.

We have great relationships with our extended families, and we are making sure that Nate has access to those relationships, too. My mom is planning to move back to Ontario from Alberta this year. It’s so important for Nate to know ALL of his grandparents. He’s really lucky to have so many people who already know and love him and want to watch him grow.

Graham and I have continued to work at creating a home that we are proud of, a place of peace and comfort where we enjoy spending time together as a family, and where we are happy to have friends and family come to visit.

I’m working on continuing to cherish my older friendships and cultivate newer ones. You can’t underestimate the value of friends. Having a great support system around us these past months has proven to be so valuable, not to mention fun.

I’m so happy that I will have this whole coming year off from my job to spend with Nate and figure out how to balance motherhood with the rest of my obligations.

So, there it is. A list I can look back at and see just how blessed we really are. 2009 has thrown some challenges our way, but mostly it’s been damn good to us. I have no doubt that 2010 will be just as wonderful.

Have a safe and happy new year’s eve!

Nate is four weeks old today. I can hardly believe it. This is how it’s going to be, isn’t it? Time is going to go so quickly and soon my little tiny baby boy is going to be gone, replaced by a bigger baby boy, then a toddler, then a kid. It seems impossible to me that someday he won’t be small enough to fit in my arms anymore.

We’ve learned so much this past month about each other, but mostly I think I’ve learned a whole lot about myself and what I am capable of, both physically and emotionally. Friends and family members told me how much I was going to love the baby when he was born, but nothing, nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming love I have inside of me for Nathan. It sneaks up on me at the most surprising times, always there just under the surface, but often showing itself through smiles, laughter and tears of joy.

We’re really getting the feeding down, and I might complain about the lack of sleep or the fact that I can only sleep in little spurts, but mostly I don’t mind it. This small, short-term sacrifice is well worth the gift that we’ve been given. It’s just my job right now to be there for Nate, to comfort and love him and make sure he learns that he can trust us to take care of him. It’s a job that I can do, that I am proud and honoured to do, even in the wee hours of the morning.

I feel like there is someone I should thank for giving Graham and I such a beautiful baby and for making us a family. I don’t know who that someone is, though. I just know that I will forever be grateful and humbled by the opportunity to be a mother. To be a mother to this wonderful little person we created together.

Nathan James (we call him Nate) was born on Tuesday, Novmeber 24, 2009 at 8:13 pm. He weighed 7 lbs., 2.5 oz. at birth. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s made us a family. (Click to enlarge.)

I’ll be sure to tell his birth story soon but we just got home from the hospital this afternoon! Thank you so much for all of your words of love and support over the last week.  Our hearts are bursting with pride and happiness.